An often overlooked tool with countless uses, the wooden chair hides in plain sight amidst our dinner tables and the bosoms of our desks. But it truly is the Swiss Army knife of furniture, and it is for that very reason that I’ve seen fit to list 8 of its greatest functions herein.
8. To play musical chairs with
The most beloved party game would be impossible without our old friend the wooden chair. Without it what would we snatch from the weak fingers of our infant cousins as the song becomes silence at family parties?
7. To jam a door shut
Imagine being beset by a badguy, outrunning your assailant enough to have gotten into a room and shut a non-lockable door behind you, and then having no wooden chair with which to prop closed the means of egress. You’re gonna have to hold that handle closed yourself like a punk!
6. To break over somebody’s back during a bar fight
That age-old (and innocuous I might add) rite of passage for any cowboy, the barfight, would of course be tragically incomplete without several wooden chairs exploding into splinters over some of the more unfortunate tavern brawlers.
What else would you do? Stand on a person? Jump? Buy a house with a low ceiling? Don’t be ridiculous. The job falls to the wooden chair once again, to lift your lightbulb-changing-self 2 feet off the floor so that you can bring light to the darkness. A metaphor for how the chair changes the world.
4. To stand on when escaping vermin
It’s not just getting you at the top of the room that our pedestal makes light work of; sometimes on the floor there’re spiders, rats, potentially even rabid ferrets that need circumventing. And for those of you crying “I’m not scared of aforementioned critters! To vanquish them is my will!” Then you are forgetting that the extra height offered by Ol’ Chairy will see a leaping stomp become thrice as deadly.
3. To tip over behind you as you run away from someone
This is the real life equivalent of banana-skins on Mario Kart, and I’ve seen it used to dizzying effect in dramatic domestic footchases. You’ll barely have to upend a handful of chairs before hearing your pursuer’s howls of defeat as his legs fall victim to inescapable entanglement. Without the wooden chair’s invention the howls of defeat are yours.
2. To fend off a bear
Arguably the most invaluable usance could demonstrably be as a method of keeping a bear at a non-lethal distance away from your organs. Hey if you want to resort to fists then be my guest; more chairs for me.
1. To sit on
I don’t see the appeal in this one myself but there are some that vouch for the wooden chair being quite decent for sitting on. Me personally, I prefer a nice Bergère or Zaisu but each to their own right? So whether you’re intending to exploit our favourite article of pine furniture for plain old sitting or for something more interesting, make sure that you at least own one. I’m predicting big things for the wooden chair; it’s gonna catch on mark my words.